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Date & Time: Monday, October 26, 2009 | 4:28 pm
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Curts drivers test is coming up. I will be praying and chanting and I hope he gets his license. Things will change for the best
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Date & Time: Friday, May 22, 2009 | 2:42 am
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Ð:  disappointed
¯: disappointed
Ð: mexico - incubus
¯: mexico - incubus
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i am being torn apart. what do i do? i love him but i feel myself losing him. i wont accept excuses. ive done that enough. this weekend we will see how the tide fares. i hope it brings news of a bright journey.
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Date & Time: Tuesday, April 21, 2009 | 4:18 pm
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| Subject: I'm OK by Myself! |
Ð:  accomplished
¯: accomplished
Ð: I'm OK by Myself - Morrissey
¯: I'm OK by Myself - Morrissey
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Could this be an arm around my waist?
well, surely the hand contains a knife?
it's been so all of my life
why change now?
"it hasn't!!"
now this might surprise you, but
I find I'm OK by myself
and I don't need you
or your morality to save me
no, no, no, no, no
Then came an arm around my shoulder
well surely the hand holds a revolver?
it's been so all of my life
why change now?
"it hasn't!"
now this might disturb you, but
I find I'm OK by myself
and I don't need you
or your benevolence to make sense
Noooooooo!
Noooooooo!
Noooooooo!
After all these years I find I'm OK by myself
and I don't need you
or your homespun philosophy
no, no, no, no
This might make you throw up in your bed:
I'M OK BY MYSELF!
and I don't need you
and I never have, I never have
Nooooooooo!
Nooooooooo!
Nooooooooo!
Nooooooooo!
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Date & Time: Monday, April 20, 2009 | 3:02 pm
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| Subject: New Phone |
I have my new phone now. Nokia 6126 to a Samsung A767 [Propel] Its nice to have a new phone. Has a full keyboard so I can text better. I do a lot of texting. I don't really feel like writing much. I just feel like I need to document this some how. Why would anyone care about my phone? I guess its just for me to reminisce later
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Date & Time: Friday, April 17, 2009 | 11:57 am
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| Subject: Morrissey |
Moz Moz Moz
Setlist:
This Charming Man
Billy Budd
Thats How People Grow Up
Black Cloud
How Soon is Now
Irish Blood, English Heart
I Keep Mine Hidden
How Can Anybody Possibly Understand How I Feel
Ask
I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris
Mama Lay Softly By the River Bed
Best Friend On The Payroll
When Last I Spoke to Carol
Seasick Yet Docked
The Loop
Death of a Disco Dancer
Let Me Kiss You
Sorry Doesnt Help Us
Something is Squeezing My Skull
I'm OK By Myself
Encore:
First of the Gang
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Date & Time: Tuesday, March 24, 2009 | 11:31 pm
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Ð:  high
¯: high
Ð: Black Cloud - Morrissey
¯: Black Cloud - Morrissey
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Its been a long time since I have posted here. Even a longer time since I posted regularly.
I wish it would stop raining. Every time it rains my patio flood. This morning I woke up to my 3rd flooding. It never gets into the apartment but its very annoying. Plus there's worry about the river again. The Rock River flooded really badly last year and made its way into my mom's store. The gas station she manages. We were sandbagging for hours before we went off to see Ours and God or Julie. Seeing Jimmy always makes me feel better for a while lol. Its like a shot of adrenaline and then after everything seems so slow and sad. I really need this Moz concert on the 3rd but even that is complicated. I wish I could drive :-p Moz was really incredible for me last time and I like a lot of the new songs so I know that's gonna add so much more. I think my mother might suffer through it even if she doesn't get the day off. She can be so selfless like that.
blah blah blah. This isn't helping like I thought it would. My therapist and I have come to the agreement that I need to occupy my time better. I've been thinking too much and its got me so low.
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Date & Time: Thursday, January 15, 2009 | 9:27 pm
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| Subject: A place to call my own |
Ð:  tired
¯: tired
Ð: Years of Refusal by Morrissey
¯: Years of Refusal by Morrissey
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I have my own apartment. This is my first journal entry from it lol. I moved-in Monday. I've spent the week getting it together. Curt is coming over with Gigi [Cocoa] tomorrow.
Cocoa the sassy chihuahua/toy fox terrier mix that my Mom and Wayne just couldn't keep. She's from Clinton's sister's litter. We had her for about 2 weeks but with my mom returning to work and the landlord being anal about her crappy house we couldn't keep her. Curt's family was sweet enough to take her in. We named her Cocoa but they changed her name to Gigi.
I don't know what else to type...
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Date & Time: Wednesday, November 26, 2008 | 11:33 am
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| Subject: Thanksgiving |
Ð: accomplished
¯: accomplished
Ð: Don't Fear the Reaper - HIM
¯: Don't Fear the Reaper - HIM
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So I'm going to Curt's Nonna's house for Thanksgiving. Nona is Italian for grandmother. We got along well at the Restaurant just a while ago so I don't know why I'm worried. I know i just feel inferior and I just need to get over it. I have to feel strong and proud. I'm going to try really hard.
I'm slow on the Christmas or Yule shopping. I've been buying a lot of crap for myself :-p I've realized it thus far though so I'm hoping to not do too much after Thanksgiving.
Nikki is 7 months pregnant, Shannon will be trying in a year and so will Chasity. I recently came into old friends via networking sites like Facebook and Myspace and they ALL HAVE KIDS! I feel like I'm running into a deadline for feeling comfortable with having a child. I'm not there yet and I really need to listen to my instinct. I will have fun with their babies until I'm ready to have one of my own. Maybe their kids will help me feel ready. Motherhood has always seemed exciting to me. Having a child grow inside of you and then having it come out and continuing to watch it grow the rest of your life. I look highly upon Mothers and I feel a great responsibility toward a child or children that I know someday I will unleash upon this world. I've dreamt of them and I've seen their faces. I hope one day I feel ready for that beautiful chaos.
I feel like my counselor is living inside of me lol. I'm writing optimistically and it hasn't gone without catching my attention. I think I am finally learning how to kill the depressing thoughts that live inside me. I think I'm starting to get it after 10 years of therapy lol.
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Date & Time: Tuesday, October 28, 2008 | 12:42 pm
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| Subject: A long time coming.. |
Ð: accomplished
¯: accomplished
Ð: Back In Your Head - Tegan and Sara
¯: Back In Your Head - Tegan and Sara
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So L.A. was fantastic. Mom and I stayed at Aunt Margaret's the first night and then Stella was okay with mom and I staying at Grandma's so we did! I was so thankful to Aunt Stella and so glad to be by my Grandma. We had a great time visiting Long Beach and Venice. I even got to meet my brother Lucas. My sister, mom and I talked a lot and I learned a lot about my father. I cried on the Flyaway Bus from Van Nuys to LAX. I didn't want to leave L.A. or my family. I know now that I definitely want to live on the West Coast. I love it there. Love it, love it, love it. And more than anything I love my family. I love being who I am, and I feel like I got to do that for the first time ever. Being there with my mom was so much more different then with my father. It was probably the best week of 2008 for me.
I came back obsessed with getting a dog. So my newest and biggest change in life is having Maxx. I wanted a Chihuahua since I'd fallen for Aunt Margaret's chihuahua Chiquita. After looking online a bit I found that breeders want $500 - $800 for a baby and widened my search and found a woman who had to sell her Chihuahua for $265. Mom and I drove to Milwaukee to see him and I fell in love. I've had Maxx for over a month now and its changed my day to day life completely. I have a schedule now. I have a reason to get up and move. I don't lay in bed for hours and hours anymore. I have a little 5 lb bundle of energy to keep me moving. My therapist thinks he will be very good for me but I already feel it. People like myself should have active pets. I have Houdini but hamsters don't need you like dogs do. He is like a therapy dog for me.
I've been on the hunt for an apartment. Our landlord here doesn't want a dog in the house [which is dumb because he's paper trained and only as big as a house cat] but who cares. I think I'm ready to move out. I need to spread my wings a little so to speak. I'm definitely ready for the privacy lol. I think I'm confident enough to do it now with Maxx along for the ride.
Shannon and Joe are finally married and Scott and Nikki are expecting a baby boy in February. We're all progressing nicely if you ask me :)
Things are moving and thats good, its what I need.
Ours will be in Chicago Nov 24th. Gods grant me the privilege to go and be brave!
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Date & Time: Monday, August 18, 2008 | 2:12 am
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| Subject: i got soul but im not a soldier |
Ð:  content
¯: content
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After writing that last entry I cried and whined and then picked up a book I'd just gotten called Celtic Devotional Daily Prayers and Blessings by Caitlin Matthews. In the back theres misc. prayers and I came across the prayer on hearing bad news
Good Giver, I hear more than my heart can hold.
Bring me the strength to bear this change and understand
True Taker, I trust the purpose of your foresight.
Help me to let this go and find your perfect wisdom.
I realized I was being a huge baby and needed to just accept things and realize its probably for the best. I let it go and in a few hours my grandma called to let me know she'd found a place for my mom and I to stay.
I feel truly blessed and infinitely grateful.
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A Fallen Soul
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